i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
