My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
