Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
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The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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