I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
