Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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