My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I think I sprained my soul last night
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
