i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
