I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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