my phone needs a breathalizer
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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