if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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