u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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