I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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