I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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