Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
