Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
