Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i drank out of a bidet.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
