new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
