Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
