Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
