Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
one two three fourrrrnication!
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
