There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
This is the high leading the old right now
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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