I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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