we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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