My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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