I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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