i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
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I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
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I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.