Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
