Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
