Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
