id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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