I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
