do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Do vagina's smell?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
