So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
