When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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