I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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