She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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