i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Pants are for mortals
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
