I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
