Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
tonight lets celebrate not being married
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She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
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Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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