Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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