just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
