I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
