fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
