I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
