that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
