My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
