Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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