Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
