Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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