you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
