He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
