He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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