if i can run in heels then i can drive
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
