I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
