Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
