I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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