I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He did a backflip because drugs
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
