I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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