she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
