I wannas sexs uuuuu
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Girls should come with a carfax report
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
