It's Friday. Sex?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
