u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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